“If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?” they’d ask. “London!” I’d say passionately, adamant that I wanted to be there. I hadn’t even been to London more than three times in my whole 19 years of existence, but I was sure that it was the place I needed to be. Something out of nowhere attracted me to London, was it the crazy busy lifestyles? Glamorous endeavours? Celebrity experiences? Money? Feeling important? I wanted it, and naively yearned to be in it.
I had a severe fear or missing out and I knew I wasn’t able to achieve my goals in my Hometown of Doncaster. So I decided to move to London. Moving away from home was a seriously big step for me. My Mum used to say, in her own outspoken northern way, “Our Holly isn’t ready to move out!” However looking back now, I couldn’t have been more ready. Yes, ready to move out, but not ready for the horrendously emotional roller coaster ride that was yet to come.
After having moved out, I regretted it instantly. I wanted to be back where I came from; I wanted to feel secure and comfortable in my surroundings. Everything had changed, the people, the food, my home had all disappeared to me. Everything that I had dreamed of and wished for as a young, naïve girl was nowhere to be seen. My existence felt forced, it had changed dramatically. Perhaps my mum was right? It was far from what I expected.
The project ‘Home’ is about the traumatic personal emotions that I have felt whilst living away from home. Feeling excluded, lonely and unimportant to the world. The anxieties slowly gained control. I felt so unsettled and the fear of missing out with my family and friends back home was so terrifying and it became painful to be so far away.
Having moved multiple times in London, it became obvious that no matter which house I was in, I would still feel unsettled and trapped. I began to change my perspective on how I had been feeling. It wasn’t about feeling lonely and unsettled anymore, I could control that more so with age and experience. It had progressed to something so much more.
This project explores the realisation that home isn’t a place where you once were; it begins to be a place where you are. Home to me now is still a place of uncertainty and issues, but gaining the balance between those issues and life fulfillments is how I feel at home. I still miss home and think back to the time when I lived in my own little secure world of fantasy and imagination.
Home is no longer a place to me. It’s a state of mind.